I’m Glad My Mom Died: A heartbreaking Perspective on The Impact of Narcissistic Abuse.
Jennette’s memoir is powerful, heartbreaking, triggering… and provides a brave and vital testimony to the covert abuse that many suffer from.
Extreme Trigger Warning: Emotional abuse, parentification, eating disorders, grief, trauma recovery.
*DISCLAIMER: This blog post is intended for those who are already familiar with Jennette’s journey and memoir and those who are interested in the links with narcissistic abuse and how this plays out in therapy. For those who are interested in reading it, please be aware there are detailed descriptions of her experience with eating disorders within the memoir and this may not be a good book for you if you are in recovery or have experience with eating disorders.*
As a counsellor and IFS therapist, I regularly find that books, like films, can offer profound insights into the healing process and love to share this on my blog (you can also read some recent posts on the films Wicked, All Of Us Strangers and Inside Out 2).
Biographies, including those of beloved public figures, have the unique ability to translate complex emotional journeys into something both relatable and accessible for clients who are navigating their own recovery. Jennette McCurdy’s 2022 memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died is one such work - a raw, unflinchingly honest exploration of the devastating impacts of narcissistic abuse, ongoing relational trauma (you can read another blog post on the related topic of adult children of emotionally immature parents here), and the journey of reclaiming agency over your life following a troubled and abusive childhood.
Jennette’s bravery in documenting her struggle has provided a vital and rare testament to this kind of abuse, which all too often lays hidden and buried by the deep shame, trauma and even physical illness that negatively affect the lives of victims as they progress through life.
In this blog post, I’ll delve into McCurdy’s harrowing and inspiring journey and explore how her story sheds light on the effects of narcissistic abuse, including covert forms of manipulation, and how it aligns with concepts I frequently work with in therapy, particularly IFS. Jennette’s memoir is not only an intimate portrait of her life as a Hollywood child star, it is also a powerful reflection on how we can face our own pain, unburden ourselves step-by-step, and ultimately heal.
Jennette in her starring role in iCarly. She found many aspects of the experience unbearable during her struggles with abuse and eating disorders.
Narcissistic Abuse: The Hidden Wounds
Jennette McCurdy’s memoir is a devastating account of her relationship with her mother, Debra, who exerted suffocating control over Jennette’s life from a young age. Debra’s behaviour mirrors the patterns often seen in narcissistic and emotionally immature parenting styles abuse, particularly covert narcissism. This includes the way in which manipulation is disguised as care, emotional enmeshment, and the relentless undermining of Jennette’s autonomy.
Jennette’s abilities as a writer are clear from the get-go; while there is humour too throughout her story, the creeping enmeshment and outright manipulation she suffers at the hands of her seemingly ‘good mom’ pop into and out of our awareness from page one. The result of this is an unsteady, confused and unpleasant feeling when reading, mirroring the shape-shifting, gaslit experiences of those who have suffered from this type of covert abuse.
From pushing Jennette into acting as a reluctant 6-year old to teaching and enforcing an eating disorder, Debra’s actions inflicted deep and lasting emotional and physical wounds on her daughter. Through Jennette’s story, we see the long-term impacts of parentification (when a child is burdened with being the emotional or practical support of their parent, rather than receiving nurture and support themselves), conditional love, and the erosion of personal boundaries, all hallmarks of narcissistic abuse.
In therapy, these relational wounds often manifest as internal conflicts or protective parts that linger into adulthood and can cause extreme distress to the client in adulthood. Many of the themes in McCurdy’s book resonate deeply with the work I do as a counsellor and IFS therapist, where we seek to help clients identify and care for the parts of themselves that have been shaped by such experiences.
The Dynamics of Narcissistic Abuse Through the IFS Lens
IFS posits that our minds are made up of different parts, each with its own roles, feelings, and beliefs. Some parts hold pain or trauma (exiles), while others step in to protect us from that pain (managers and firefighters). Jennette’s memoir beautifully illustrates this dynamic, even if not she does not explicitly frame her struggle in these terms.
Some examples include:
Exiled Parts - of Jennette’s deep pain: McCurdy’s very young parts, burdened with feelings of unworthiness, shame, and guilt from a very early age, is a clear example of an exiled part—a younger, vulnerable version of her that internalised the belief that receiving love was always conditional on obedience, achievement and self-sacrifice.
The covert narcissistic dynamic meant that Jennette learned early on to suppress her needs entirely to maintain her mother’s approval. This is illustrated throughout the book, for example in the way her childhood and adolescent birthday wish EVERY YEAR was for her mother to not die. This is indicative of the way in which her mother’s illness (and wellness) was centred at the heart of theMcCurdy family and how, impossibly, responsibility for this was placed on the children themselves, an unbearable pressure for a child to face.
Protective Parts - to help Jennette survive her parentified and oppressive childhood: Her perfectionism, work ethic, eating disorders, and eventual detachment from her acting career functioned as protective parts. They shielded her from deeper pain by keeping her focused on external validation and achievement rather than her unmet emotional needs.
An example of one of Jennette’s protective, ‘manager’ parts can be found in the section of the book where she talks about the part of her that is a ‘good sport’ (it helps her by putting up with unfair treatment, keeps her onside with difficult directors and allows her essential income to continue to flow to her family) and how she came to deeply resent this part for its role in keeping her trapped in a toxic work environment.
Similarly her bingeing and purging parts, as described during her struggle with bulimia, are examples of extreme ‘firefighters’, the word we use in IFS to illustrate the parts of us that want to protect us in highly reactive, often destructive, ways to numb, distract or avoid deep-rooted pain and trauma.
In IFS we believe every part has a good intention, even if the behaviour is challenging for us or has become extreme and dangerous. As part of the process, we often thank and show gratitude for these parts, especially when they have supported us to survive through deep trauma; this may seem counter-intuitive to some clients who also have parts that hate the impact certain parts of them have had on their lives. We also, importantly, work to release these burdened and exhausted parts from holding onto trauma and the extreme ways their roles have evolved, perhaps even finding new roles for them within our system.
Through her own therapy, McCurdy began to unburden these parts, allowing her to release the shame and self-blame she had carried for so long. Sidenote regarding McCurdy’s first therapist: I for one was happy when she terminated their relationship which was troubling from many perspectives including the therapist’s professionalism, boundaries and motivations for working with Jennette.
Covert Narcissism and the Challenges of Healing
One of the most insidious aspects of covert narcissistic abuse is how it often masquerades as love or care. McCurdy’s mother’s behavior, where she frames her control, coercion and neglect as "sacrifices for Jennette’s success" is a textbook example. This form of manipulation can be especially difficult to recognise and heal from because the abused individual is left grappling with guilt, confusion, and self-doubt.
Jennette, perhaps due to her early journey to adulthood and the cut-throat world of being a child-star, alongside her mental health crises and eating disorders, came to this realisation in her twenties; for many of my clients with parents who present like Debra McCurdy, this awakening comes a lot later, even as late as their 50s, 60s and beyond.
In I’m Glad My Mom Died, Jennette’s journey toward recognising her mother’s behavior for what it was - abuse - is a testament to the courage required to confront these dynamics. Her decision to name the abuse and prioritise her own healing over societal expectations of "honouring" one’s parents is a powerful act of reclaiming her agency. The final paragraphs were very moving, strong and empowering in this regard and may be provide comfort to readers who have been through similar experiences. In the same way in which Jennette refused to accept hush money and go quietly from her negative experiences at Nickelodeon, the writer has honoured herself and her story by speaking out. In doing so, she has created a ripple effect for the many who have read or will read her story, perhaps finally seeing their own abusive experiences in a different light and hopefully begin to heal themselves.
Themes of Narcissistic Abuse That Resonate in Therapy
Jennette McCurdy’s story touches on many themes I frequently explore with clients who are recovering from narcissistic abuse at the hands of their parents:
Grief and Loss: Grieving the death of a narcissistic parent (and also dealing with their ill-health while they are living) adds an added, guilt-ridden layer of complexity. In Jennette’s case, this includes mourning not only her mother’s death but also the idealised relationship she never had with her. Therapy often involves holding space for these dual losses and allowing clients to process both the pain of what was and the sadness for what could have been.
Parentification: Jennette’s childhood was marked by parentification, where she was forced to prioritise her mother’s needs over her own. Healing involves acknowledging the unfairness of this burdened dynamic and reclaiming the right to listen to her own needs, care for herself and live a life that is Self-led and empowered.
Shame and Self-Blame: Narcissistic parents often instill deep-seated shame in their children. Jennette’s eating disorder and perfectionism were rooted in this shame—a burden she carried for years. IFS therapy creates space to meet these parts with compassion, helping clients release the shame and develop a kinder relationship with themselves.
Reclaiming Self: One of the most empowering aspects of McCurdy’s journey is her decision to step away from acting, a career she pursued not for herself but to please her mother. This act of reclaiming her agency mirrors the process many clients undergo as they learn to make choices that respect and honour their true desires.
Jennette celebrating the one year anniversary of her book being published in 2022 with cake.
Hope and Healing: Lessons from McCurdy’s Story
While I’m Glad My Mom Died is a heart-wrenching read, it is ultimately a story of hope and healing. Here are a few key lessons from the memoir that make this book such an empowering read:
The Power of Naming Abuse: Jennette’s candid storytelling underscores the importance of acknowledging and naming abuse as the first step toward recovery and healing.
Boundaries Are Essential: Her journey highlights how setting and maintaining boundaries - even within your family - is an act of self-love and a cornerstone of healing.
Healing Is a Process: This memoir is a reminder that healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual, ongoing journey that requires patience, courage, and support. Please note, Jennette’s memoir is not a ‘how-to’ or self help guide and could be very triggering for those still grappling with similar struggles.
We Are More Than Our Trauma: Despite the challenges she faced, Jennette’s story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the possibility of creating a life beyond our past.
Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died is more than just a memoir; it’s a resource that really opens our eyes to the insidious nature of narcissistic abuse. Whether you’re in therapy or simply seeking inspiration, her story offers a powerful reminder that we can face our pain, unburden ourselves, and emerge stronger and more whole.
If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore your own healing journey through regular IFS therapy or therapy intensives, I’d love to hear from you. Together, we can create a safe space to meet your parts with compassion and move toward a place of self-leadership and balance. You can reach out to me here, and let’s begin the process of unlocking your healing story.
Warm wishes,
Lucy Orton
IFS Therapist, Brainspotting Therapist, Counsellor